MDME SOPER’S ROOM – A new technology hype has been going around Wednesday lunch since September. As more and more grade 9s and 10s swarm into the small classroom, they await the arrival and demonstration of the new emblem of intelligence. More specifically, artificial intelligence.

The Eileen X first performs its dutiful task correcting a spelling mistake on the whiteboard. Then it was shown doing math better than my phone’s (and google’s) calculator. Its ability to keep track of dates and your diet is beyond ordinary, as it would urge you constantly to eat healthy and save the junk food for itself.

An under-rated product of the EmPower campaign, the Eileen X has no limited giga-byte storage. It instead utilizes words (in speech and text) and numbers as well as abstract thoughts to connect with the audience. “This is much more useful and efficient than Keynote,” said one user, as others began to sing “Come On Eileen” to cheer on the AI.

While it has great capacity as artificial intelligence, its lack of a headphone jack, however, makes it only comparable to the new iPhone line. Yet, people are ditching the iPhone for the better. It’s the perfect companion to lead one through one’s IB career. It also acts as a better friend than Siri, who relentlessly and forthrightly pour scorn when you ask it a question it deems as “unworthy” or can be solved using the google function. (Yes, the Eileen X poses internet neutrality over Google applications).

Le Moignon Baguette column will be updated once we cover a full review of the mobile.

Artificial Intelligence Brand’s Users Unaware that their Mobile have Emotions

“The Eileen X is acting oddly,” noted one particular user when interviewed. “Today the artificial intelligence ranted to me about the tasks it had to complete because of demands. AI isn’t supposed to do that.”

This new controversy is causing confusion for its clients, as the Eileen X is “malfunctioning” more as the year carries on. When it is confronted with a problem that it deems too complex, the AI goes into a corner and deduces whimper sound effects. Furthermore, it started to give out emotional support and “therapy pats” (a reaction the Eileen X automatically goes to when it is faced with emotionally stressed people) to the IB Diplomats in the hallways.

The EmPower campaign released a statement towards this bug. “The Eileen X is supposed to be a mimicry of what intelligent beings are capable to do, and to reach this high emotional stage is everything the EmPower campaign has been hoping for during the device’s development.” says the spokesperson. “Apple’s Siri has a personality; why can’t the Eileen X be designed to be flawed? It can be the perfect state there is: the state of being human.

“The Eileen X is the leading device in artificial intelligence to embody intelligence as a whole. We don’t just mean IQ. We mean EQ, human response, care for others, as well as critique in certain situations.”

In response to Empower’s statement, Apple’s Collingwood campus has offered a discount on its iPhone line. The Baguette cannot to confirm if this sale was in correlation with Black Friday.

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Grace hides behind facades of non-existent people and third person narratives (or really, anything that does not mention "I"). She's currently in the midst of a somewhat existential crisis and on her way to find her identity. During her wanderings inside the submerged cognitive labyrinth, Grace carries a string that either leads her to a spring of light, or rolls her back into the hands of reality. Unwilling to be detached from this mystifying site, the blade of satire protects her from considerable damage. Let's pray for her welfare in the dark ruins. Or as some would prefer, let's afflict her with headaches and impede her progress with unexplainable mathematical logic. Anyone who would like to make a kind donation, you are welcome to offer soy sauce and pre-made soy sauce scrambled eggs (NO DAIRY) at her suppositional GoFundMe site.


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